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This weekend we focused our service on Hebrews 4:13-16.

^"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.  Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.   For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

The emphasis of the message revolved around the thought that Jesus came to experience what we experience.

• Jesus understands us.
• Jesus sympathizes with us. 
• Jesus invites us in.  

I am so thankful for the way in which the Lord is using our journey to guide my thoughts and direction for PCC, and especially our family.  He continues to show himself faithful and true every step of the way.

We ended the service with Laura sharing her story via video.

God's Amazing Timing

Each week I get asked multiple times to give an update of our current cancer ride.

For the most part all are doing well.  There have been some moments when things are bit emotional, but overall we are counting our blessings for the progress so far.  Based on the most recent MRI results as well as Dr. Gize's assessments it is clear that the therapy is doing it's deal along with the hand of God at work.  We are so thankful for all that has happened so far, and for the many ways God is blessing us.

Our chemo treatments have turned into opportunities to look beyond ourselves.  We have been privileged to arrive at the clinic only to find someone from Pathway showing up at the same time for their appointment.  This has allowed us time to not only catch up, but to encourage one another in our fight.  Each time I am reminded of God's perfect timing in all things. 

Over the past several weeks we have had the wonderful opportunity to meet for the first time, other couples from PCC who are on the same journey we are.  I find myself walking into each Monday with my eyes a little more open, and wondering who God will introduce us to that week. 

A couple weeks ago following one of those unusual moments Laura put up her hand, gave me a high-five and stated, "We have the best job ever!"   I echo her thoughts. 

It seems each encounter has given us added confidence as we walk with others with the hope we have in Christ Jesus.  Our sense of community is certainly expanding, as well as the common ground we now share with others.   We certainly don't celebrate the disease, and would prefer some other means for meeting people, but these divine appointments have opened our eyes to the various ways God is using this in our lives and with others. 

This past Saturday following service I popped into the benefit for ten-year-old Devon Grobaski.  I was so thankful for the remarkable number of people from PCC who showed their support.  Devon has a battle on his hands, but this little guy is walking through this with amazing strength and fortitude.  He's such an inspiration to so many.  Again, our hearts have become even more sensitive to such stories because of our story.

We know God will not waste our cancer, because we refuse to waste it.  We long to learn from it, grow from it, and gain a deeper level of trust through it.  We are different today then what we were several months ago, and I'm deeply thankful for such growth. 

The cancer certainly rearranges your life, but it is what it is.

Yet, God is using it to open our eyes to the wonder of His works and His timing in all things.  He is etching into the fabric of our lives a greater awareness of His amazing grace and goodness.  He is allowing our story to intersect with the stories of others, and hopefully to be a source of comfort to them along the way. 

So I end with Paul's words to the church in Corinth.  Words that have become incredibly personal and meaningful these days.  Words I've often taught, but can now apply in ways like never before. 

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ." - 2 Cor. 1:3-5

A Great Life!

Laura completed round four of her chemotherapy this past Monday.  We looked at this as a true milestone in her recovery knowing that these first four rounds can deliver a bit of a punch.  As the treatments progressed so did the physical and at times emotional impact of the drugs.  She continues to be tired, at times her moods can be a bit blue, and there have been some shivers in the night.  When I look into her face the weight loss is so apparent, and yet her drive continues to outperform her challenges.

The kids continue to make their way into her bed throughout the day.  I have caught glimpses of Dawson walking in, rubbing her head and giving her a kiss.  Sophia and Lydia love camping out with their books in tow, and either doing school work beside her or on the floor near her.  Bella is her own woman controlling every other space she wanders into. 

I can sense that the kids know we are in for a long road over the weeks and months.   They are learning to take on new responsibilities and I'm proud of the attitudes they tend to display on a fairly consistent manner.  We are truly blessed.

Tonight before Laura and I went to bed I stood over the sleeping bodies of my oldest girls and thanked the Lord for the character He is shaping in them.  I peeked in on Dawson and found myself deeply grateful for his kind and gentle spirit.  I then crawled into bed hoping I would crash quickly only to find myself listening to Laura sleep, or should I say "snor" - extremely honored to be her husband.  On my way down to write this post I opened Bella's bedroom door, and smiled that sleep had finally conquered her driving spirit.

I had a challenging and deeply painful day at work today.  Sometimes walking with people in the midst of their messes leaves one a bit weary.  It was good to go home and be immediately reminded of all the ways the Lord has poured out His goodness on my life even in the midst of our cancer journey. 

"I will praise the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live." - Ps. 146:1

Random Thoughts

Over the past several weeks we have adjusted considerably to this new journey God has us on.  Laura and I recognized early on that her diagnosis created a great deal of inner tension and chaos.  Emotions were raw, and all our questions seemed to lead into more questions rather than solid answers.  As the initial days unfolded and our medical course was set there was some settling that took place. We no longer questioned the extent of the cancer or the treatment plan.

Laura has done a fantastic job walking through her chemotherapy as well as sticking to a radically changed diet.  Her attitude is inspirational to me.  She does remain positive, but she has also been extremely open about her frustrations and inner turmoil.  There have been days when the best thing to do is stay in bed.  I have also witnessed those moments when the frustrations and reality that the cancer is not going away today or tomorrow evoke a great deal of emotion.  For both of us, the questions our kids continue to ask remind us that even though we may be settled in what we believe God is doing, they are not.

This week was our third treatment.  She was visibly and physically impacted in a much different way then the previous two.  She's a little more nauseous, a little shaky, and certainly tired and restless.  She has one more round of the strong treatments and then moves to the twelve weekly rounds.  We are having conversations about surgery.  The extent to which she desires to go and where to have it done.

I've been so grateful for the board of elders, and staff of PCC who have walked beside us with tremendous understanding and grace.  Being allowed flexibility to be home when I need to, as well as having a relief pitcher who steps into the teaching helm on the weeks during these initial four big treatments has been a tremendous blessing.  It's allowed me time to serve my wife and kids, and I have witnessed PCC being served as well as growing in ways it never would have without such an interruption in our plans.  We have been impacted by those who have taken time to cook a great meal, send a card of encouragement, sit with our kids so I can work, as well as clean the house at times when chaos rules.  Thank You! 

The cancer has caused us to adjust to a different schedule.  We cannot predict how Laura will react to the full scheme of the treatment plan.  At times the questions our kids ask still leave us a little rattled.  I still feel a little scattered, but then again that is pretty normal for me. 

Every so often someone will ask how school @ home is progressing.  To be honest it has been interrupted a bit, yet the kids are learning a great deal.   We are finally back on a daily routine of assigned work and additional responsibilities.  They are working hard on assignments and will jump into an ancient history project starting next week.  Lydia is going to focus on the process Egyptians used to mummified their dead.  Sophia is going to research and build a project around the sphinx of Egypt.  Dawson is still deciding.  We are all for our kids gaining academic knowledge, yet there are much deeper lessons to be learned through this journey.

The greater lessons our kids are learning focus more on how we as a family are walking through this season trusting in God's leading and plan.  This truly is the lesson for all of us.  My prayer is that each of our children will be able one day to pull from this experience a rich treasure of stronger character, as well as a depth of understanding the joys of serving those you deeply love.

It has been my pleasure to serve my wife.  To walk beside her in both the tender and tough times.  I am grateful for the depth of our love for each other and  the manner in which we have sensed God's gracious guidance along the way.  We are growing in unexpected ways due to the road God has us on.  The suffering, frustration, big questions from little minds is all for a purpose.  God is revealing treasures to us the can only be found in the darkness.

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.   Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,   for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."  1 Peter 1:6-9

Unexpected Ways

Saturday night we cut off Laura's hair.  Thanks to her brother John we were all able to gather together and watch as the hair fell.  I have to admit that I was quite uneasy with the thought of the event, but as the week progressed a peace came over both of us. 

What we thought would be a major move of emotion became a time to declare God's goodness.  As the hair was being cut Laura was talking about how good God has been to her.  "God has been so good to me through this entire cancer battle, and this is one more step toward the end."

We have started to look at the cancer as steps.  We know that in order for Laura to walk into her cure she will move through some very tough challenges.  Yet with every challenge conquered comes a much stronger Laura.  Dr. Gize remarked to me the other day that I have "one strong lady for a wife."  I already knew that, but it seems she is gaining more strength as the journey unfolds. 

The kids each processed the event in their own way, but in the end we were all laughing and once again felt calm and at peace.  The fun moment came when Bella was introduced to a bald momma.  "Where did all your hair go?" she asked.  What was truly funny was within a matter of seconds Laura stepped out of the bathroom with her wig on.  This really confused poor Bella a bunch.  It was pretty funny.

What I saw emerge was something of beauty.  Laura walked into the time ready.  The timing was right.  We had time to mentally prepare and the kids were with us in a safe place where we could all experience the moment in our own way.  Even more, Laura's brother John had the clippers.  Having his hands on Laura's head made her feel especially safe and secure. 

I wondered what Laura would look like bald.  Actually I was worried a bit.  I was concerned for her emotionally as well as the kids, and myself.

We laughed our way through it and as the hair fell a new image of my wife appeared.  It was truly something beautiful.  She was confident, strong, smiling, laughing and praising God all at the same time.  She was truly beautiful.  I have always felt this way, but there was something different about this moment. 

As we drove home Saturday night I realized that we had just lived through another "first" in our marriage.  This was truly a defining moment for us.  One I never hope to repeat again, but one that has marked us all. 

I am so thankful for God's sustaining grace He poured out in the moment and continues to this very day.

We are watching our kids grow in their dependence on the Lord.
We are watching our kids grow more tender to one another.
We are seeing ways God is demonstrating His kindness to us in ways we have never experienced before.

What I am realizing about our cancer journey is that the Lord is using it to open my eyes to what I have failed to see before.  I am witnessing the beauty of His grace emerge in unexpected ways.

Laura's last appointment with Dr. Gize went extremely well.  It appears the cancer is softening and her blood counts are stronger than before she started chemo.  Such results are unusual.  Hmmm. 

We count that another indication of the Lord's working in unexpected ways. 

Eph. 3:20 - Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.  

Trusting in the Trials

This past week my heart was stirred by the story of Ruth and Boaz.  I have never preached Ruth, so digging deep into the text proved to be full and rich.  I am always so amazed at the brilliance of our God to place in our hands the accounts - not tales or stories - of those who have walked the road of suffering and discovered His steadfast presence all the way.  

In preparation for the message I read two books, which I highly recommend.  John Piper's book, entitled A Sweet and Bitter Providence,  and Ruth Uncensored by Jeff Ell.  They are relatively short books, and I believe the nuggets revealed will prove to be invaluable finds for any reader.   

Piper shares a story of a good friend of his who when faced with the birth of a son diagnosed with Autism and born blind found himself at odds with God.  After looking back over fourteen years he found himself thankful instead of resentful for what the Lord allowed him to encounter through the gift of his son.   

I came so close to using the letter on Sunday, but time simply did not allow for it.  It ministered greatly to me by providing another glimpse of perspective as face our daily challenges.    I trust it might shed a little light on your path as well.  

John Knight is a senior director at Desiring God. He has known what it is like to be treated as Naomi was and to respond the way Naomi did. He also gives us glimpse of how God mercifully and patiently leads his people out of the blindness of bitterness. The following was a birthday letter to his son Paul who is blind and autistic.

The 4^th of July is a different sort of “Independence Day” for me. On July 4, 1995, my multiply disabled son entered the world, and my life came crashing down around me-and would soon include a deep and intense bitterness toward God.

I never denied that God existed or is powerful; I concluded he was mean and capricious. But it also began God’s work of creating an affection for him and for the sufficiency of Jesus Christ. I am often astonished, when thinking back, that I am now able to praise God for his goodness in giving my son his autism and blindness.

None of this happened easily or by accident. I can point to five specific things that God brought to bear on my life:

1.      Faithful pastoral leadership. I can still remember Pastor Tom Steller…walking up my front steps with a note from Pastor John. And I remember sitting with and emailing Pastor David Michael. 

These men, with great courage and biblical conviction, entered into dangerous territory. My attorney, a man trained in conflict, said that my intensity and bitterness frightened him. But my pastors never wavered from bringing a message of hope an absolute certainty in the sovereignty and goodness of God, even when I pushed them away.

2.     Faith people of Bethlehem Baptist Church. Shortly after my son was born, we dropped everything at church-our small group, volunteering, Sunday school class, and attendance. One couple refused to let us go and loved us with a gracious, firm, consistent tenderness that made me want to understand how they could love someone like me, my wife, or my son so completely.

3.     A faithful father. My own father was the first person in the world to understand and communicate my son’s value and inherent worth as a creation of a good and loving God to me. Through 13 years, he has stood with me through much pain and sorrow – and joy.

4.     A faithful wife. My wife and I have not walked the same path; hers has been much harder than mine for many reasons. But by the grace of God, we are together, and I thank God every day for this woman whose spine is made of steel and who loves me and our four children.

5.     The sovereignty of God as revealed in his word. I remember a particularly heartbroken, bitter email I sent to Pastor John. He has every right to discipline me, but instead wrapped the words of the Bible around my heart. God used those words from the Bible, among many others, to create longings I didn’t have, to start a dead heart beating, and to reveal, when I was incapable of seeing, the beauty, sufficient, and majesty of Jesus Christ and his cross.

God has done it all, and it was his word that proved decisive.

Living with a boy, now a teenager no less, who will always be dependent on someone for all his needs is hard. I have a daily, often hourly, fight for joy in my salvation. Yet, through my oldest son’s daily care, through my youngest son’s premature birth, and now through my wife’s ongoing battle with metastatic cancer, God is not just sustaining me, but revealing more of his goodness because he is sovereign over all things, for his glory and my good.

So, on this Independence Day, I am grateful to Jesus for my real freedom in him and for giving me my boy to help me see it: So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36).  Happy Birthday, Paul.

We had a great weekend as a family.  We are celebrating that Laura's biopsy relating to her D and C came back benign, and the Thyroid appears to be the same.  

This week we enjoy a little peace before the second round of chemo on Monday. 

Thyroid Biopsy

Laura will have a fine needle biopsy administered tomorrow morning.  Looks like it will be a long morning undergoing what we thought would be a simple procedure.  Appears to be a little more complicated then what we anticipated. 

Pray for peace for her as she undergoes the procedure.  She is a little nervous about the uncertainty of the process.